Sunday, June 22, 2008

Why is Life So Hard?

I hate my life a lot. I don't know if I'm just really down today or what, but all I've wanted to do lately is cry. Everyone time I hang out with my boyfriend, we seem to get into some conversation where I start crying. I don't want to end my life by any means, but I just feel so hopeless.

I have no self esteem today. I want to smoke crack more than anything, just so I can forget about the pain I'm feeling. I won't though, I'm stronger than my addiction.

I want to starve myself and never eat food ever again. I'm tired of being fat. I'm always on a diet, but then I get frusterated and end up binging.

Why out of me and my sisters, am I the only one who is so fucked up??

To add on to my problems, I have HPV. My cervix has lesions or cells that are abnormal. Now i have to have some scope shoved up there to get a better look and to clip off a piece and have a biopsy. It's probably not cancer, but now I have a greater risk of getting cancer. I wish I were rich so I could afford to get the same treatment as rich people. Do you realize the normal population seems to have 7/10 people with cancer and in Hollywood it's only 1/10. I think there is something out there for rich people, either a cure or vaccination.....

GOD help me.....

Monday, June 9, 2008


Cravings.... and urges, I've been having them real bad. It makes me wonder if I should go back to NA, but then again, I never really liked NA. Right now my boyfriend is keeping me clean. Every time I think of using, I think about him and how it would fuck things up for us. Then there are my parents too... if I used again, that would destroy what we had rebuilt. It's sad to me that when I get urges and cravings I never think about how bad it'll fuck me up, make me depressed again, make me have no money..... I only think how it'll mess things up with other people.

I need to learn to stay away from food. I went to the gyno the other day. She was really mean to me about my weight. GEEZE, I know I'm fat! I asked her about the lapband and she said I don't need it, I just need to learn to stop eating. Haaa..... if only it were that easy. Anyway, I will be having a nutritional analysis done soon. Maybe that's the key. If not, I'll have the surgery done without her support. I don't care for her anyway!

I hate to say I'm falling in love already, but I am. It's scary at times, but I love it! I love making plans for trip we are taking in October. Knowing that he is looking that far, wanting to take trips with me in October, helps me know that he is for real and really likes me! To think I wasted so much time on jerks who treated me like shit and didn't deserve me!

I'm supposed to see me therapist tomorrow, but I stayed up too late. I think I need to reschedule cause I am sure I will be too sleepy to go.... We'll see.

OMG, so work... CRAZY! Last Friday my stalker was bugging me, I was proposed to, and I saw a naked old man masturbating. How many people have jobs like that?? The masturbating man hears voices that tell him to masturbate infront of people!! SO SICK. I was laughing so hard I was crying though!

Maybe I should go to bed....

Monday, June 2, 2008

Rough days

I've had a rough couple of days. I don't know where to starts. I am so sleepy because my mind won't stop working. I lay in bed and night and think too much, so it's hard to fall asleep.

I saw the psychiatrist today. I'm borderline "Bi-Polar". I'm not bi-polar. It's the drugs. Seriously, my body is still adjusting... that's what I'm going with. I feel like when I went there I was manipulating so I could get the meds I wanted. Maybe I know too much about psych. Anyway, I'm now on Welbutrin. I hope it works well. She's very concerned because a side effect is seizures. GREAT.

My bf and I got in a weird conversation the other day. I have low self esteem these days because of my weight. I obsess about my weight. I am a binge eater. I don't throw up, I just use food to cope with my emotions. Anyway, we began talking about my weight and eating habits. I was crying so hard and so much. I told him I couldn't be with someone who didn't want to be with all of me and couldn't accept me for who I am. I actually made him cry. He begged me not to leave him, then was kissing me like they would on TV. It was something, let me tell you.... Things are fine now, it was just such a TV moment I guess.

I've been looking at lapband surgery. I know, it's not the best thing and I can lose weight on my own... or can I? I've been overweight my entire life and have never been thin or at a healthy weight, so maybe it's not something I can just do by myself.

I got a text from a "friend" asking me to Western Union him $40. He works a job where he makes $1,000 a week, why would he need $40 at 5:30am? Any guessers? Fucking crafck heads. Ha... that's me.... I didn't give it to him, instead I called and left him a message letting him know I was concerned and that I cared about him. The lsat thing he needs is someone telling him he needs to stop using. He knows he does, he just doesn't have the will power or support. As heart breaking as it is, I have a feeling his life my end tragically one day. Going to dope houses in Detroit is way different than the ones he's going to in Cali.

I leave for work in 1 hour and I am soooo tired! Do I nap? We shall see.....

Friday, May 30, 2008


I find myself enjoying time alone. I haven't been able to enjoy it in ages. I've always needed someone. I am becoming more comfortable with my innerself and no longer need to be with people constantly. Life isn't perfect, but it's getting better.

I have an appointment with a psychiatrist Monday. A much needed appointment! Mental health is so interesting and so very confusing! I'd like to say I could get better without medications, I've learned tons of coping skills; but obviously research has been done and it's been proven that meds do help. We'll see what the doctor says.

I am not sure where to go with my eating disorder. I've been researching lap band surgery lately. You don't have to weight 250 lbs like you do in order to have gastric bypass surgery. I have just been raised to use food the wrong way. I don't use it for energy or to be healthy, I use it as a social tool, for boredom, for emotions.... I've been eating a ton better, don't get me wrong, but I'm still not doing that great. I need more help, I need to relearn to eat, and I feel like a surgery can help me because I am forced to do so. It makes no sense to anyone but myself. Being thinner won't take away all of my problems, but it will do more for me than anyone would ever know or understand....

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Way Past Overdue!

I have decided I'd start posting again! I should, I have so much to say! Do I talk about work? Do I talk about my love life? Where do I start??

Well first off, I'm clean! I relapsed back in February. Not good, I know. I now understand why so many people relapse. I felt almost like I had to in order to remember how shitty my life was. CRAZY! I spent probably $500 in less that two weeks on the shit. Which is nothing compared to what I used to spend. I used to spend about $250 average a night.

I'm working at a psych hospital! GREAT JOB! Hahaha... I get the most hilarious patients. I could write an entire blog on that alone. I have been proposed to a gagillion times. I've seen enough naked people for a life time! More stories on that to come!

The last thing I feel like mentioning is my new boyfriend.... he's so lovely to me. He's a dorky guy. A few years younger, but has his shit together. He sends me cornie text message poems that I adore. He's so silly! He doesn't do drugs and has drank a handful of times in his life, so he is good for me. He enjoys going to museums, photography, and doing random things like me. I've needed a good person like this in my life! Every time I think about using, I think about him!

My goodness, it's funny how so many things happen in life, yet I can't think of what I wanted to write about. I have all of these crazy things going through my head, but when I have time to "put them down on paper", they all go away!

Well... until next time....

Tuesday, December 11, 2007


I tend to set up blogs and never feel like writing in them. I think part of the reason is because of laziness and the other part is that I only want to write something when I am pissed. Then there is always too much to write.

I keep getting so pissed at things. Yeah, I was getting high. I'd still love to get high if it wouldn't ruin my life. Yesterday my mom opened something in the mail, it was coupons. I asked what they were for and she said from a rebate "But you wouldn't remember because you were too busy getting high." WTF! So I say "Why do you keep throwing that in my face, I'm sorry. I'm not proud of it. I feel bad for what it did and I'm trying to get better." Then she says some shit about, "How do you think it made us feel." Then she gets snooty and walks away. So I'm like "Come back, I want to talk." She says she's listening, but isn't even in the same room. It's the same shit every fucking day. I need to get out of here.

I love my parents tons, but it's bad for me to be here. I asked a therapist about a 3/4 house and he's supposed to be looking into it for me, but hasn't done anything yet. I guess I'll nag him.

Then there's this fucking guy who has my laptop and some other stuff of importance to me. We both went to rehab, we're both out. He cuts off communication totally. How do I get my laptop back if he won't even call me back? I wish I could hate him, but I don't and it pisses me off. I hate that I think about him every night. I hate that at one point I chose him over my family. I hate that he makes me cry as much as he did. So why do I want to even bother? Is it really about the laptop? I think some is closure, I need it. What gives him the right to stop talking to me? Did I make him use??? Haha... no, it was far from it. He was an addict way before we met.

Now I find myself "searching" trying to find someone to fill this empty void because I am so lonely. That's the last thing I need right now. But then I get these guys who I almost let take advantage of me because I'm so vulnerable. Or I try to get them to cheat on girlfriends because it's some fucked up thing thinking "He wanted to fuck me, so he must like me more than his girlfriend to hurt her like that." Fuck that, it's not true. He is he with in the long run?

This is all my fucked up head. Is there ever any way out? Why am I on meds if they don't do anything? Maybe I just want them to do more than what they are supposed to. I just wish life would fall into place already.

You know, at NA they talk about this higher power or a GOD. They say it's the God of your choice, any higher power. Well I have a hard time believing any of it because I've had no help and have been on my own this entire time, so what's going to change now? Why would my "higher power" let me get hurt and fuck up in life as much as I have? It makes no sense to me, nothing does.

I need to turn off my mind. How did I do that before? Crack.... yep.... I can't go there, so now what??

Friday, December 7, 2007

Clean time

I have 30 days clean tomorrow. It has been a long 30 days. I've had so many temptations to use. Sooooo many. Before my addiction to crack and alcohol, I was addicted to food. I used food for everything. It never covered my emotions the same way as alcohol did.

These days I'm trying to find other ways to cope with my emotions. I try to do it like other people, but it's hard as fuck. I always want to fall back on something. Right now I swear a lot. If I can't hie my emotions, that's how I tend to let them out.

I get so pissed at people lately. Usually I suck stuff up and keep it inside, then use substances to deal with it. Today this asshole driving and talking on his cell almost rear ended me. I pulled over for an ambulance and fire truck, he wasn't paying attention. Then he had the nerve to shoot around me before pulling over. Fuck him, people make me so mad!

I guess this all has to do with recovery. I'm just not used to this absurdness. Maybe I create my own drama, I'm not quite sure. I don't do anything but sit at home, go to therapy, and go to NA meetings. I gave up all of my freedom.

I'm fucking 27 living with my parents, I am currently filing bankruptcy, I have a curfew (never had one in my life), I can't travel more than a half hour from my house. Man, I thought smoking crack was the best thing in the world. HAA... It fucked up my whole life.

I'm so high strung lately. I don't know what it is. My therapist doesn't think it's my anxiety. IDK... I just know I don't sleep. My mind doesn't stop ever. My lexapro is doing good for my depression, but what the hell. No one wants to change meds for a bit cause of the drugs.