Tuesday, December 11, 2007

idk

I tend to set up blogs and never feel like writing in them. I think part of the reason is because of laziness and the other part is that I only want to write something when I am pissed. Then there is always too much to write.

I keep getting so pissed at things. Yeah, I was getting high. I'd still love to get high if it wouldn't ruin my life. Yesterday my mom opened something in the mail, it was coupons. I asked what they were for and she said from a rebate "But you wouldn't remember because you were too busy getting high." WTF! So I say "Why do you keep throwing that in my face, I'm sorry. I'm not proud of it. I feel bad for what it did and I'm trying to get better." Then she says some shit about, "How do you think it made us feel." Then she gets snooty and walks away. So I'm like "Come back, I want to talk." She says she's listening, but isn't even in the same room. It's the same shit every fucking day. I need to get out of here.

I love my parents tons, but it's bad for me to be here. I asked a therapist about a 3/4 house and he's supposed to be looking into it for me, but hasn't done anything yet. I guess I'll nag him.

Then there's this fucking guy who has my laptop and some other stuff of importance to me. We both went to rehab, we're both out. He cuts off communication totally. How do I get my laptop back if he won't even call me back? I wish I could hate him, but I don't and it pisses me off. I hate that I think about him every night. I hate that at one point I chose him over my family. I hate that he makes me cry as much as he did. So why do I want to even bother? Is it really about the laptop? I think some is closure, I need it. What gives him the right to stop talking to me? Did I make him use??? Haha... no, it was far from it. He was an addict way before we met.

Now I find myself "searching" trying to find someone to fill this empty void because I am so lonely. That's the last thing I need right now. But then I get these guys who I almost let take advantage of me because I'm so vulnerable. Or I try to get them to cheat on girlfriends because it's some fucked up thing thinking "He wanted to fuck me, so he must like me more than his girlfriend to hurt her like that." Fuck that, it's not true. He is he with in the long run?

This is all my fucked up head. Is there ever any way out? Why am I on meds if they don't do anything? Maybe I just want them to do more than what they are supposed to. I just wish life would fall into place already.

You know, at NA they talk about this higher power or a GOD. They say it's the God of your choice, any higher power. Well I have a hard time believing any of it because I've had no help and have been on my own this entire time, so what's going to change now? Why would my "higher power" let me get hurt and fuck up in life as much as I have? It makes no sense to me, nothing does.

I need to turn off my mind. How did I do that before? Crack.... yep.... I can't go there, so now what??

1 comment:

Unknown said...

One day soon you will look back on all of this and be so much better off. You won't even care about this guy, the laptop, the crack... I know it seems so far away, but you'll get there. Its funny the way you describe how your mom reacts. My mom would be just the same. Its not the best way to treat you, but they love you so much... I guess just try to look past it. I do think that with all the things you have to work through and work out they should be the ones trying harder to work past their hurt and anger-- for you.
I did some crazy shit for a guy once. Hurt my whole family. Moved to a whole other state. My dad has never once come to visit me in six years. Its all what you were saying-- that desperation to fill a void that you don't even know where it came from or why its there...
you'll find something. Its not always religion for everyone. I always try to use the anger to excercise... its hard to make myself do it... and it never helps, but I always feel better. It releases endorphins or something. And yeah, the lexapro and stuff, only helps so much. I'm sorry its so hard, but I know you can do it, I know you can!