I have 30 days clean tomorrow. It has been a long 30 days. I've had so many temptations to use. Sooooo many. Before my addiction to crack and alcohol, I was addicted to food. I used food for everything. It never covered my emotions the same way as alcohol did.
These days I'm trying to find other ways to cope with my emotions. I try to do it like other people, but it's hard as fuck. I always want to fall back on something. Right now I swear a lot. If I can't hie my emotions, that's how I tend to let them out.
I get so pissed at people lately. Usually I suck stuff up and keep it inside, then use substances to deal with it. Today this asshole driving and talking on his cell almost rear ended me. I pulled over for an ambulance and fire truck, he wasn't paying attention. Then he had the nerve to shoot around me before pulling over. Fuck him, people make me so mad!
I guess this all has to do with recovery. I'm just not used to this absurdness. Maybe I create my own drama, I'm not quite sure. I don't do anything but sit at home, go to therapy, and go to NA meetings. I gave up all of my freedom.
I'm fucking 27 living with my parents, I am currently filing bankruptcy, I have a curfew (never had one in my life), I can't travel more than a half hour from my house. Man, I thought smoking crack was the best thing in the world. HAA... It fucked up my whole life.
I'm so high strung lately. I don't know what it is. My therapist doesn't think it's my anxiety. IDK... I just know I don't sleep. My mind doesn't stop ever. My lexapro is doing good for my depression, but what the hell. No one wants to change meds for a bit cause of the drugs.
Butterfly Kisses
ad sense
Custom Search
1 comment:
Whenever you have to make such a major, MAJOR change, I think you will naturally feel like you're carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders-- making little things SO much bigger than they are and SO much harder. There aren't any words that someone can tell you that will make it better. Just time. It will get better. You're amazing for already coming so far. And when you talk about dealing things like normal people-- I don't think there are any normal people. Everyone has their vice. I know I have mine! I'm glad the Lex is working for you too. Me, I'm just starting to try to get off it after two years. I figure it might be time to start seeing life through the eyes of a drug free me! ha.
Post a Comment