Why is Life So Hard?

I hate my life a lot. I don't know if I'm just really down today or what, but all I've wanted to do lately is cry. Everyone time I hang out with my boyfriend, we seem to get into some conversation where I start crying. I don't want to end my life by any means, but I just feel so hopeless.

I have no self esteem today. I want to smoke crack more than anything, just so I can forget about the pain I'm feeling. I won't though, I'm stronger than my addiction.

I want to starve myself and never eat food ever again. I'm tired of being fat. I'm always on a diet, but then I get frusterated and end up binging.

Why out of me and my sisters, am I the only one who is so fucked up??

To add on to my problems, I have HPV. My cervix has lesions or cells that are abnormal. Now i have to have some scope shoved up there to get a better look and to clip off a piece and have a biopsy. It's probably not cancer, but now I have a greater risk of getting cancer. I wish I were rich so I could afford to get the same treatment as rich people. Do you realize the normal population seems to have 7/10 people with cancer and in Hollywood it's only 1/10. I think there is something out there for rich people, either a cure or vaccination.....

GOD help me.....

Cravings

Cravings.... and urges, I've been having them real bad. It makes me wonder if I should go back to NA, but then again, I never really liked NA. Right now my boyfriend is keeping me clean. Every time I think of using, I think about him and how it would fuck things up for us. Then there are my parents too... if I used again, that would destroy what we had rebuilt. It's sad to me that when I get urges and cravings I never think about how bad it'll fuck me up, make me depressed again, make me have no money..... I only think how it'll mess things up with other people.

I need to learn to stay away from food. I went to the gyno the other day. She was really mean to me about my weight. GEEZE, I know I'm fat! I asked her about the lapband and she said I don't need it, I just need to learn to stop eating. Haaa..... if only it were that easy. Anyway, I will be having a nutritional analysis done soon. Maybe that's the key. If not, I'll have the surgery done without her support. I don't care for her anyway!

I hate to say I'm falling in love already, but I am. It's scary at times, but I love it! I love making plans for trip we are taking in October. Knowing that he is looking that far, wanting to take trips with me in October, helps me know that he is for real and really likes me! To think I wasted so much time on jerks who treated me like shit and didn't deserve me!

I'm supposed to see me therapist tomorrow, but I stayed up too late. I think I need to reschedule cause I am sure I will be too sleepy to go.... We'll see.

OMG, so work... CRAZY! Last Friday my stalker was bugging me, I was proposed to, and I saw a naked old man masturbating. How many people have jobs like that?? The masturbating man hears voices that tell him to masturbate infront of people!! SO SICK. I was laughing so hard I was crying though!

Maybe I should go to bed....

Rough days

I've had a rough couple of days. I don't know where to starts. I am so sleepy because my mind won't stop working. I lay in bed and night and think too much, so it's hard to fall asleep.

I saw the psychiatrist today. I'm borderline "Bi-Polar". I'm not bi-polar. It's the drugs. Seriously, my body is still adjusting... that's what I'm going with. I feel like when I went there I was manipulating so I could get the meds I wanted. Maybe I know too much about psych. Anyway, I'm now on Welbutrin. I hope it works well. She's very concerned because a side effect is seizures. GREAT.

My bf and I got in a weird conversation the other day. I have low self esteem these days because of my weight. I obsess about my weight. I am a binge eater. I don't throw up, I just use food to cope with my emotions. Anyway, we began talking about my weight and eating habits. I was crying so hard and so much. I told him I couldn't be with someone who didn't want to be with all of me and couldn't accept me for who I am. I actually made him cry. He begged me not to leave him, then was kissing me like they would on TV. It was something, let me tell you.... Things are fine now, it was just such a TV moment I guess.

I've been looking at lapband surgery. I know, it's not the best thing and I can lose weight on my own... or can I? I've been overweight my entire life and have never been thin or at a healthy weight, so maybe it's not something I can just do by myself.

I got a text from a "friend" asking me to Western Union him $40. He works a job where he makes $1,000 a week, why would he need $40 at 5:30am? Any guessers? Fucking crafck heads. Ha... that's me.... I didn't give it to him, instead I called and left him a message letting him know I was concerned and that I cared about him. The lsat thing he needs is someone telling him he needs to stop using. He knows he does, he just doesn't have the will power or support. As heart breaking as it is, I have a feeling his life my end tragically one day. Going to dope houses in Detroit is way different than the ones he's going to in Cali.

I leave for work in 1 hour and I am soooo tired! Do I nap? We shall see.....