Tuesday, December 11, 2007

idk

I tend to set up blogs and never feel like writing in them. I think part of the reason is because of laziness and the other part is that I only want to write something when I am pissed. Then there is always too much to write.

I keep getting so pissed at things. Yeah, I was getting high. I'd still love to get high if it wouldn't ruin my life. Yesterday my mom opened something in the mail, it was coupons. I asked what they were for and she said from a rebate "But you wouldn't remember because you were too busy getting high." WTF! So I say "Why do you keep throwing that in my face, I'm sorry. I'm not proud of it. I feel bad for what it did and I'm trying to get better." Then she says some shit about, "How do you think it made us feel." Then she gets snooty and walks away. So I'm like "Come back, I want to talk." She says she's listening, but isn't even in the same room. It's the same shit every fucking day. I need to get out of here.

I love my parents tons, but it's bad for me to be here. I asked a therapist about a 3/4 house and he's supposed to be looking into it for me, but hasn't done anything yet. I guess I'll nag him.

Then there's this fucking guy who has my laptop and some other stuff of importance to me. We both went to rehab, we're both out. He cuts off communication totally. How do I get my laptop back if he won't even call me back? I wish I could hate him, but I don't and it pisses me off. I hate that I think about him every night. I hate that at one point I chose him over my family. I hate that he makes me cry as much as he did. So why do I want to even bother? Is it really about the laptop? I think some is closure, I need it. What gives him the right to stop talking to me? Did I make him use??? Haha... no, it was far from it. He was an addict way before we met.

Now I find myself "searching" trying to find someone to fill this empty void because I am so lonely. That's the last thing I need right now. But then I get these guys who I almost let take advantage of me because I'm so vulnerable. Or I try to get them to cheat on girlfriends because it's some fucked up thing thinking "He wanted to fuck me, so he must like me more than his girlfriend to hurt her like that." Fuck that, it's not true. He is he with in the long run?

This is all my fucked up head. Is there ever any way out? Why am I on meds if they don't do anything? Maybe I just want them to do more than what they are supposed to. I just wish life would fall into place already.

You know, at NA they talk about this higher power or a GOD. They say it's the God of your choice, any higher power. Well I have a hard time believing any of it because I've had no help and have been on my own this entire time, so what's going to change now? Why would my "higher power" let me get hurt and fuck up in life as much as I have? It makes no sense to me, nothing does.

I need to turn off my mind. How did I do that before? Crack.... yep.... I can't go there, so now what??

Friday, December 7, 2007

Clean time

I have 30 days clean tomorrow. It has been a long 30 days. I've had so many temptations to use. Sooooo many. Before my addiction to crack and alcohol, I was addicted to food. I used food for everything. It never covered my emotions the same way as alcohol did.

These days I'm trying to find other ways to cope with my emotions. I try to do it like other people, but it's hard as fuck. I always want to fall back on something. Right now I swear a lot. If I can't hie my emotions, that's how I tend to let them out.

I get so pissed at people lately. Usually I suck stuff up and keep it inside, then use substances to deal with it. Today this asshole driving and talking on his cell almost rear ended me. I pulled over for an ambulance and fire truck, he wasn't paying attention. Then he had the nerve to shoot around me before pulling over. Fuck him, people make me so mad!

I guess this all has to do with recovery. I'm just not used to this absurdness. Maybe I create my own drama, I'm not quite sure. I don't do anything but sit at home, go to therapy, and go to NA meetings. I gave up all of my freedom.

I'm fucking 27 living with my parents, I am currently filing bankruptcy, I have a curfew (never had one in my life), I can't travel more than a half hour from my house. Man, I thought smoking crack was the best thing in the world. HAA... It fucked up my whole life.

I'm so high strung lately. I don't know what it is. My therapist doesn't think it's my anxiety. IDK... I just know I don't sleep. My mind doesn't stop ever. My lexapro is doing good for my depression, but what the hell. No one wants to change meds for a bit cause of the drugs.


An introduction

I'm writing this as a form of therapy. I keep a real journal, I'm honest in it. I'll be honest in this too. I think I'm better at keeping shit online that I am in a paper journal. Laziness maybe... I don't know.

The upcoming story I posted on facebook to friends, I have decided to post it on here in case anyone randomly reads this and wants to see what the hell I'm talking about.

On November 12, 2007 I was admitted to Maplegrove. Maplegrove is an institute for chemical dependency, or drug rehab. I came clean November 9. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

I am a real life crack head. It used to be hard for me to say, but not any more. A few years ago I was diagnosed with depression. I went to therapy, was put on meds, but nothing seemed to work. I've been drinking since high school, but never was really bad until about 5 years ago or so. Even worse in the past few years.

I was the classic binge drinker at first, getting drunk on weekends, having blackouts... yada yada yada... you know the story. Pretty soon, I started not only binging on the weekends, but I would drink every day after work, alone. Life was too hard and when I was drunk, I wouldn't have to worry about problems.

I talked to my therapist about this shit. I wasn't fully honest with her and she told me, "Just stop drinking." I thought yeah right, it's not that easy, but I tried anyway. I thought I was doing good, hadn't had a drink in a few days. Then, I went to a party with a friend I'd known since elementary school. People asked "Why aren't you drinking", told them I was giving it up. That's when I was handed a stem and told "Try this." It was fucking amazing.

I tried crack cocaine for the first time. Shit, that stuff was awesome. It was such a great high. At first I would smoke it once or twice a week. I would forget my problems. Also, I wouldn't be drinking as much. My once or twice a week eventually turned into more... a lot more. Before I knew it, I was smoking that shit 7 days a week and spending $150-$200 a day. The only time I wasn't getting high is when I was at work.

With such an expensive habit came other problems. Getting high was no longer fun for me, it was now a need. The drug and my disease were lieing to me and making me think I needed it. When I was high I had no problems or worries, so I thought. I started stealing money from my family and did what I had to to get high.

It wasn't until I was out of money and hod no where to go, that I realized I had a problem. I remember I was in a parking lot, I had no gas, hadn't been to work in days, and had no money. I texted my older sister and told her I needed help and what I'd been doing. I went to her house and slept all day while she was at work. Her and her husband came home, we had dinner, a half hour later shows up the rest of my family.... she told them.

I went back to my parents house that night. My car, cell phone, and internet were taken away. I had no way to communicate with anyone. The next day I tried getting in rehab, but they couldn't do anything til the weekend was over. I went to an NA meeting scared shitless and crying.

I remember that weekend being stuck at home. I was crawling on my hands and knees looking on my bedroom floor for a rock or something I had dropped at one time. I was pissed that my parents went through my shit and found my stems because I had enough residue to get a couple of hits.

I've been clean for just over three weeks and it has been a hard three weeks. This disease is telling me I can have one drink or take one hit, but I know if I do... I'll be using for another two months and I don't want to go back to where I was.

I never thought I'd be where I am in life. I never thought I'd be a junkie, never thought that I'd still be living with my parents, filing bankruptcy, having a job I hate, friends I never get to see any more.

I have learned that none of those are reasons to go back to where I was. I don't have to go back, I just have to fight this disease that will be with me for the rest of my life.

There is so much shit that goes on in my mind. I can't stop thinking. I'm done with this note. Don't be afraid to ask me anything you want. Being honest with myself and everyone I know is helping me with my recovery.