Monday, June 2, 2008

Rough days

I've had a rough couple of days. I don't know where to starts. I am so sleepy because my mind won't stop working. I lay in bed and night and think too much, so it's hard to fall asleep.

I saw the psychiatrist today. I'm borderline "Bi-Polar". I'm not bi-polar. It's the drugs. Seriously, my body is still adjusting... that's what I'm going with. I feel like when I went there I was manipulating so I could get the meds I wanted. Maybe I know too much about psych. Anyway, I'm now on Welbutrin. I hope it works well. She's very concerned because a side effect is seizures. GREAT.

My bf and I got in a weird conversation the other day. I have low self esteem these days because of my weight. I obsess about my weight. I am a binge eater. I don't throw up, I just use food to cope with my emotions. Anyway, we began talking about my weight and eating habits. I was crying so hard and so much. I told him I couldn't be with someone who didn't want to be with all of me and couldn't accept me for who I am. I actually made him cry. He begged me not to leave him, then was kissing me like they would on TV. It was something, let me tell you.... Things are fine now, it was just such a TV moment I guess.

I've been looking at lapband surgery. I know, it's not the best thing and I can lose weight on my own... or can I? I've been overweight my entire life and have never been thin or at a healthy weight, so maybe it's not something I can just do by myself.

I got a text from a "friend" asking me to Western Union him $40. He works a job where he makes $1,000 a week, why would he need $40 at 5:30am? Any guessers? Fucking crafck heads. Ha... that's me.... I didn't give it to him, instead I called and left him a message letting him know I was concerned and that I cared about him. The lsat thing he needs is someone telling him he needs to stop using. He knows he does, he just doesn't have the will power or support. As heart breaking as it is, I have a feeling his life my end tragically one day. Going to dope houses in Detroit is way different than the ones he's going to in Cali.

I leave for work in 1 hour and I am soooo tired! Do I nap? We shall see.....

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